➖「ひさしぶり。相変わらず?元気にしてる?」勇気を出してかけたから、緊張の一言。
➖「んー、おー、ピンピンしてるよ。どした?」懐かしい声に一気に記憶が蘇ってきた。
かれこれ6、7年前になろうか。知っている人もいると思うけど、私が北海道に来たきっかけは、当時いい仲だった彼が北海道に移住したことにある。
震災前からの仲だった。
お互い「付き合う」「彼氏」「彼女」という言葉はあえて口にしないものの、「大事な相手」という関係は、震災を挟んで3年か4年くらい続いていたように思う。
ターザンのように野生的で直感型。クラブ、雪山、寝ないで仕事。仕事も遊びも120%でこなすエネルギーの塊みたいな人。独自の世界観を持ち、仲間に恵まれるリーダータイプの彼だった。歳も10弱ほど上だったこともあり、小生意気なワタシをとても可愛がってくれていたし、頼り甲斐はあるのに、どこか少年のような雰囲気も持つ彼の隣は、私にとっても居心地がよかった。
➖「あのぉ、今ってどうしてるの?北海道にまだ、いるのかな?」
震災の少し前。彼は、10年以上経営してきたお店を後輩に譲り、実家の農家を継いでオーガニックファーマーをすると決意した。ところがその直後、震災が起きて「放射能のかかった野菜なんか食べさせられない」と、自らが植えた苗を引き抜いて北海道移住を決めることとなる。
それは、ちょうど私が長年働いていた代理店を辞め、独立しようと模索していたタイミングと重なっていた。誰に相談することもなく、全て一人で決断しぐんぐんと進んでゆく後ろ姿に、私自身かなり影響されていたし、勇気をもらっていた。
その後、移住を決めた時もそうだった。「お前はどうするの?何をするの?」と何度も問われた。「『ついて来い」っては言ってくれないんだ、、、」という悲しさと悔しさをバネに「私は何がしたいんだろう?私はどうしたいのだろう?」と繰り返し繰り返し自問自答した。依存を許さない彼だったから、ここで私なりの答えを出さねば置いていかれると自分を奮い立たせた。
今、私の生業の軸になっているピラティス講師の資格を取得したのにはこうした経緯がある。「私は(メディアのように広くたくさんではなくて)もっと一人一人丁寧にその人自身の役に立つ物事を伝えたい」。内なる想いが立ち上がったきっかけだった。
3月の震災。5月に北海道移住、6月には北海道でお店をオープンさせてしまったから驚いた。私も負けまいと5月末に資格を取り、どこでも(福島以外でも)生きていける生業のベースを整えた。それでも福島での仕事の整理がつかず、北海道に合流したのはクリスマス。もう、雪が降っていた。
それから1年ほど、北海道で一緒に暮らしたろうか。
➖「あぁ、福島だよ。この春に全部引き払って戻ってきたんだ。今は、実家でどっぷり農業やってるよ」
生活を共にする中で、口にはしないものの、彼の中に福島や農業に対する混沌としたものがあることは感じていた。全てを飲み込んで淡々と進む姿は痛々しげでもあり、かっこよくも写っていた。私も傷ついていたから、彼を癒してあげるほどの余力はなかった。むしろ「ここに居たいなら居たらいい」とありのままを受け入れ居場所を与えてもらい、私の方が癒してもらったと思っている。
➖「そっか。実家、戻ったんだ。農業、やってるんだね。そっかぁ、よかったぁ」
➖「なんだよ、よかったってぇ」
好きだった。尊敬していたし、そばにいて力になりたいと思っていた。
でも、三十路に差しかかる微妙な年頃だった私は、日を追うごとにそれだけでは立ち行かなくなってきた。「結婚」「子ども」というものを意識した途端、彼を愛することと、自分を愛することの境がわからなくなってきてしまったのだった。
私とのこれからのことはどう思っているんだろう?それとなく促しても、手応えがない。これはきちんと伝えるしかないんだ。しかしそれは、居心地のいい居場所を投げ出すことを意味している。わかっていた。それでも前に進みたかった。「結婚できるだろうか?」「子供を産めるだろうか?」それくらい、焦ってもいたし不安だったのだと思う。
遂に私は、時限爆弾を突きつけた。「私は30までに子どもを産むって決めているの。あのね、あなたの子どもが産みたいの!」忘れもしない、29歳の誕生日を目前に控えた逆プロポーズだった。
しばらくの間が永遠のように感じた。そして神妙な顔で彼はこういった。「悪いけど、お前のライフプランには乗れない」。絵に描いたような玉砕である。燃え尽きたような感覚。喪失感と虚無感。私は何のために北海道まできたのだろう?と、泣きながら荷物をまとめ、その日のうちに彼の家を後にした。
今回はその時の忘れ物(どうしても必要な仕事上の書類)の有無を聞くための、6年ぶりの電話だった。
➖「書類はあるか見てみるけど期待しないで。他にも、忘れ物いくつかあったけど引越しで処分しちまったよ。申し訳ない」
➖「ううん、いいの。むしろごめん、ずっと置きっぱなしで」
どうしてるかな?と思ったことは度々あった。彼なら元気でやっているという確信があったのもあるけれど、どこか罪悪感のようなものも感じていたのかもしれない。だから、忘れ物のことも、ずっと連絡できずにいた。
私が家を出てからしばらくして、一度だけ電話があった。「戻ってきてほしい」と。正直嬉しかった。でも悲しみの底で「決して戻らず」と腹を決めていた私の答えはNOだった。本当にそれっきりだった。
➖「子ども、いくつになった?」
➖「え?!、、、あ、えーと、5歳」
➖「そうか、はやいな」
共通の友達も多い。近況は風の噂で知っていたのだろう。それでも、サラリとされた質問に、胸を何かで一突きにされたように感じたのは、彼の変わらぬ度量の大きさ、優しさ、ピュアな心に触れた気がしたからだった。
「子ども、いくつになった?」このたった一言に、6年間の罪悪感も何も報われた気がしたのだった。
私は、別れた3ヶ月後に電撃結婚。半年後に妊娠。宣言通り30歳で出産した。
時が経ち、変わるものもある。変わらないものもある。得たものも、壊れたものもある。
愛や恋はカタチが曖昧だから時々
変わったのか?
変わってないのか?
壊れているのか?
不壊ているのか?
わからなくなる。
ただひとつだけ確実なのは、「愛した恋した時間は裏切らない」ということ。
そのプロセスこそが、今の私を作り上げている礎になっていることを感じることができた。
最中は幸せで楽しい分、苦しく悲しいことも当然ある。でも、他の何よりも愛や恋は、人を育ててくれるものなのだと。
だから先人は言うのだろう。
恋せよ乙女!愛せよ乙女!と。
それは、歳を重ねようが、結婚しようが、子どもがいようが、ずっと変わらないものだと思う。ずっと変わらずありたいものだとも。
だから、自分もふくむすべての女たちに伝えたい。もっと恋をしよう!もっと愛し愛されよう!
まずは、愛される自分を許すところから。私たちは、愛される価値があるのだ!
そして、男たちに伝えたい。どうか、愛を表現してほしい!どんなに愛していようとも、表現されない愛は無能。愛を受けた女性はどんどん自由で美しくなる。いい女へと変化を遂げる。
社会における性差が縮まっていく現代の男に問われる「甲斐性」とは、どこまでも恥ずかしがらず愛を表現し続けられるか?だと私は思っている。
最後に、ありがとう。私を育ててくれた今までの彼、私を愛してくれた全ての人に愛と感謝を込めて。今夜はぐっすり眠れそうですLOVE,
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