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夫婦げんか。パートナーシップとファミリーシップは違う！

2018年8月26日

「一体何なのよ！こんなんじゃ、あたしたちいつ何時どうなったっておかしくないよ！」

幼稚園から帰ってきて、一息ついていた夕刻。些細なことから孝介と喧嘩になった。今となっては、もはやどんな会話が始まりだったかも思い出せない。

しかし、原因は明確。

全ての根っこは夫婦の対話不足。
カタチにしたいプロジェクトが遅々として進まないのも
最近孝介の一言がイチイチ気になるのも
孝介が娘にあまり優しくない（私には八つ当たりしているようにも見える）と感じるのも、きっと。

「圧倒的に２人の対話の時間が足りてないじゃん！子育てして、仕事の話して、生活して、大変なのはお互い様！確かに一緒にいる時間は多いかもしれないけど、それだけじゃ、絶対にうまく進むわけないんだよ！サラリーマンじゃないんだから！２人で自営業してるんだから！意識して夫婦の時間を作らなきゃうまくなんていきっこない！」

下唇を出しながら不満そうにブツブツいう孝介に、いつものように畳み掛ける私。

「そもそも、孝介はどう思ってんのよ！」

「でもさ、家族ではめっちゃ一緒にいるじゃん。それって夫婦の時間じゃないの？」
驚いた。どうやら、孝介は家族の時間の中に、夫婦の時間は含まれるという認識でいたらしい。

「ちょっとまって！それ、ちょっと違うと思う。基本パートナーシップがあってのファミリーシップであって、パートナーシップが出来ていない上にファミリーシップは成り立たないと思う。そこをナアナアにするからこんなことになるんだよ！」

一緒にいる時間は圧倒的に長い。
仕事の話も子育ての話も何でもシェアできる夫婦ではある。
仕事の面ではサポートし合えていると感じるし、子育ても積極的にしている夫だと思う
でも夫婦関係としてはどうだろう？慈と孝介という個人同士では。

「じゃぁさ、慈のいう対話って何なの？いつも話してるじゃん。家事とかしながらとか、あんなことあったとかこんなことあったとか」

「それは対話じゃない」

たいだい夜は疲れて、どちらかが子どもと一緒に寝てしまう。

２人で話したいな。と思うことがあっても時間が噛み合わない。

「今日あの件についてミーティングしようね」と言って時間をとるのがせいぜい。

２人だけの仕事以外の時間があったのは、一体いつだっただろう。

これって本当に理想的なパートナーシップなんだろうか？と、このところ考えていたのだ。

「極端な話さ、子育てと仕事を一緒にするだけだったら、相手は孝介じゃなくったっていいんだよ。ビジネスパートナーだって、ナニーさんだっていいんだよ。ベースに愛やリスペクトがなきゃ一緒にいる意味なんてないんだよ！」
プチンと来たとき（そうじゃない時も？）のあたしの口は止まらない。

対話はお互いを知るために、お互いに向き合う時間だと思うし、その意味なら喧嘩も対話の１つの手段なのかもしれないな。と言いながらよぎった。

「っていうかさ、そもそも孝介って受け入れるだけで、こういう喧嘩ですら吹っかけるのはいつもあたしで『こうしてみない？』『ああしようよ』とか基本的にないよね。」

「だって、俺が言っても否定するじゃん！」

「それって諦めだよね。否定されても本当にそう思うなら突き通せばいいじゃん！わかり合うことを諦めてる！」

「俺は寄り添ってるつもりでいるよ！」

「あたしは寄り添ってほしいんじゃない！弱者救済じゃないんだから！わかり合いたいんだよ！何なんだよ！見くびらないでよ！」
孝介に寄り添ってもらうのは直感的に違うと感じた。
そこには自分がないというか、自分があっても自分自身の姿勢は全く崩さずいるような概念に感じる。だったら、歩み寄る、わかり合うの方がしっくりくる。感覚の違いだろうか？

「夫婦なんてわかり合うことを諦めたら、その瞬間に試合終了なんだよ！そこがなかったら仕事も子育ても全部破綻するんだよ！甘えんな！頼りにしてんだから、自分の足で立ってよ！ほんといい加減にして…」
とそこまで伝えたところで、私が我慢していたものがこみ上げてきて、本日の試合終了となってしまった。

最後に孝介は静かに側にきて「悪かったよ。一緒にがんばろ」と言った。
こういう時いつも、受け入れてくれる彼の特性はありがたいと思う。
やはり喧嘩も対話の一部なんだと理解する。

夫婦というものは奥が深い。

互いに向き合わなければ成り立たなくなる。

「子育て」「仕事」と役割を縦割りじゃないスタイルをとれば尚のこと。

愛とか恋とか甘っちょろいもんじゃない、むしろ自立や自律とかの要素の方が強いと感じる。

きっと孝介の育った環境でのパートナーシップは、ファミリーシップとイコールだったのだろう。

公務員の父、専業主婦の母、祖母に曾祖母。それでも十分成り立つ環境だった。

でもあたしたちは違う。

生きる時代も違う。

ひとりひとりが自律した上に成り立つパートナーシップのロールモデル（父母世代）が圧倒的に少ない私たち世代がうまくやっていくには、まずはお互いの刷り込まれているパートナーシップの概念を、スクラップすることが必要なのかも知れない。

その上に築いていく。喧嘩も必要要素ということ。フッ。まるで子どもと変わらないな。

“夫婦げんか。パートナーシップとファミリーシップは違う！” に2,227件のコメントがあります

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